“He says he doesn’t care about being fashionable, if only he dressed more like Michael.”
“She is really good at her job, if only she wanted to stay home with the kids like my mom did.”
“I know life will be perfect if only I could only lose a few pounds.”
What we mean when we say “if only” is there is a need for change, in someone else or ourselves.
As part of my coaching practice, my clients focus a lot on change. Not only do people want to make changes in their own lives (which I fully support), but they want to make changes to other people too. Don’t get me wrong, most of us have things about ourselves we’d like to change and I support that 100%. But what does it say about us that we feel the need to change others?
Let’s take each of the above statements just a little further:
“He says he doesn’t care about being fashionable, if only he dressed more like Michael.”
He didn’t care about fashion when you met him, why should he care about that now? Why should you? What changed? Why bring someone else into your relationship? What kind of pressure are you putting on Michael to maintain your level of perfection?
“She is really good at her job, if only she wanted to stay home with the kids like my mom did.”
My guess is that one of the things that attracted you to her was the drive and determination she had for her job. What changed? How much is her job a part of her? What happens when you ask her to give up something that’s important to her? Are your needs more important than hers?
“I know life will be perfect if only I could only lose a few pounds.”
Comments like these hurt me to the core. I struggled with self-image issues when I was younger (actually, still do) and I was certain that my life would be perfect if only I lost 25 pounds. Then I lost 25 pounds and low-and-behold, life was not perfect. What I found was that the people who truly loved and cared about me thought I was perfect just the way I was. They didn’t see a need for change, why did I?
How much happier would we be if we could eliminate “if only” from our lives and look at others, and ourselves, as perfect just the way we are?
Cindy Jobs, COC, ACC
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National Association of Productivity & Organizing Professionals, Seattle Chapter Vice-President
Professional Resource Member
Institute for Challenging Disorganization
Level I Certificates earned in Chronic Disorganization; ADD; Client Administration; Time Management; Mental Health; and Hoarding.
Level II Specialist Certificates earned in Chronic Disorganization and ADHD.